Sunday, January 30, 2005
Message: For all you people who say "I love you" when you have no clue what exactly love is !!! Something to ponder upon...
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest?
-It isn't love, it's LIKE.
You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right??
-It isn't love, it's LUST.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off??
-It isn't love, it's LUCK.
Do you want them because you know they're there??
-It isn't love, it's LONELINESS.
Are you there because it's what everyone wants??
-It isn't love, it'S LOYALTY.
Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand??
-It isn't love, it's LOW CONFIDENCE.
Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt them??
-It isn't love, it's PITY.
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat??
-It isn't love, it's INFATUATION.
Do you pardon their faults because you care about them??
-It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP.
Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of??
-It isn't love, it's a LIE.
Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake??
-It isn't love, it's CHARITY.
Does your heart ache and break when they're sad??
-Then it's LOVE.
Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong??
-Then it's LOVE.
Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts??
-Then it's LOVE.
Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there??
-Then it's LOVE.
Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are??
-Then it's LOVE.
Are you attracted to others, but stay with themfaithfully without regret??
-Then it's LOVE.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death??
-Then it's LOVE.
Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we love? Why is it all we search for in life? This pain, this agony? Why is it all we long for? This torture, this powerful death of self? Why? The answer is so simple cause it's...LOVE.
It is such an addictive thing that even people who are not having it wish to experience it and share it with others as well. ~NoW ThAT YOu'rE cLeaR aBt tHe dEfiNatiOns oN LoVe~pAsS iT oN tO yoUr fRienDs~
iloveyou||13:11
Saturday, January 29, 2005
mun xin very nice... know i very moody and got some problems den accompany me the whole day... thanks you... thank you fer occupying my mind and didnt allow me to have chance to think abt those unhappy stuff.. i think i'm ok... at least for now i think i am... i dunno when will fully recover.. but ya... thank you so much anw...
it's realli nice talking to munxin today. thanks for hearing me out.. ans specially accompany me home... (i know what u are thinking, u are afraid that i might do sth or do some silly things rite? i know... thank you for being there) thank you... i dunno how to express my gratitude... but i know at least i'm not alone... u are there for me... and not forgetting nanny too. thank you for the "inspiring" talk on friday nite.. sorry to keep u awake till so late in the night... i feel much better after that... +i think+
today munxin and nanny went out with me to help jacinta choose clothes, even though the three of them bearly know each other... but at least they make friends now!! thanks for keeping me aways from my... ya.. ur know... thanks fer filling in the laughters and noise into the night,the always lonely night...
sorry nanny, today i venge my anger on u in orchard.. coz i was quite moody and dunno why suddenly very irritated... but thanks for ur tolerance... hee...
happy that all the outfits i choose for jacinta looks nice on her and she loves them... hee... this shows that i got good taste... lolx...
bought a black top to match my glasses... den everyone said i look mature and like a tr. lolx... so now ur can call me miss chan. lolx... i love my new specs....
alot of thanks to mun xin and nanny. thanks you... it makes life more worthwhile when i know there's the two of ur there with me...
i am not who they think i am...
iloveyou||23:57
Thursday, January 27, 2005
another week is going to pass again... as days pass i realise that i'm growing older and older and dunno why, suddenly i'm so afraid of going old. it seems that there are more things we need to bother as we grow older, more commitment and responsibility to take... and it's tiring living up other people's expectation.
glad that i havent fail any test this yr yet... unlike last yr... maybe coz last yr too lazy, that's why this yr have to pay the price of working extra extra hard..
tml going to woodlands to study again. nanny is going to teach me permutation and physics...
juz like the fish,
coz it lives in the water,
therefore u can see it's tears,
but that doesnt mean it's always happy.
u never know... u never know...
beneath that disguise...
u'll never know.
no one knows.
broken shattered
into millions of pieces
a thousand knives
piercing right through
indiscrenible thumb nails
driving into me.
like jigsaw puzzle
it has been broken
into millions of pieces...
it's fcuking irritating
hate this shitty feeling i'm feeling now
i juz hate it.
iloveyou||19:50
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
today is a happy day! well.... not that happy though, but still very happy...hee
i pass my phycis test! thought i am going to flunk it, but it turns out to be better than my chemistry paper. i always tot chem is more interesting and easier to understand than phyics, but i juz dont know why my physics always scores more than my chem...
today i wake up at 4.30am to do my physic homework which is due today. it's on electricity, and before i read the text book i was like thinking "Oh no...ELECTRICITY!!! how am i going to ans the questions there?!!" den after i read the book my immediate response is "hey, this is interesting!!"
hahas... i think i'm starting to like electricity. hee....
today got pe and we played soccer!! so fun! we won. hahas.. think we are realli lucky, and of coz plus a little bit of skills. lolx.. it's nice playing with the sports class pple... they very fast in their attack... den it's nice to play, coz can run more... which means can burn more fats. lolx...
but sad that my precious darling daughter had to join another group... coz they short of pple... "mama miss u....."
olevels haven start yet, charleen, ying qing and me are alr planning which country to go to after olevels to do social work again. hahas...
oh ya! our class is so so so pretty now!!! so so so pretty! with all the angpao chain dangling here and there all over our class... and the little fishes, the 4 jing jing jing jing words and trisha's golden chicken.. lolx.. and the big bit "fu" word at the back of the class...
it's a class fill with the luxurious red and golden colours...so so so nice! very cute...
until this morning, our class is like still very empty, while all the others classes are alr filled with different shades of red and gold... den in the noon, after school, in juz one short hour, whole class unite and it has outshone all the other classes in decoration!!! hee...
we even come out with the more unique and invative idea of making chains with not only angpaos, but also the sliver and red coke cans... den we chained them and hang outside the class at the corridor... den everyone that walk pass is rather impressed by our creative i think. lolx...
yeah. perhaps i'm gonna take a photo of it. hee. it doesnt matter if we win the classroom design this yr or not... the class is pretty in all puritian's eyes. hee...
S4 Purity rawks!!!
maybe this is out last yr in stnix... ):
thats why everyone are so enthu and put in so much efforts in the decorations this yr... coz we know next yr, there will never be a class for us, all of us anymore... ):
iloveyou||15:21
Monday, January 24, 2005
today get back chem test papers...
phew...
i am not the 15 who fail..
i'm not a failure this time.
whoo hoo... love it... hee...
but a lot of careless mistakes... :(
got new specs...
"nanny" wang help me take it today, since he going down to town. hee.
thanks nanny!!
oh ya and do rembr those photos k.. hee...
aw... sad that im unable to go study with vans today...
sobx.. sorry..
i got remedia lessons... another day.
aye. wed! hee..
and sorry that i cant attend the BAD concert in AJ...
coz friday got test! so thurs night cant go out.. hee.. have to mug!
hee...
will get back to u another day.
butterfly flies
i'm still here.
lurve vans! hee...
liar.ihu.
big fake smiles and stupid lies...
seeing is believing
but sometime the most real things in the world are those we cant see..
iloveyou||19:15
Friday, January 21, 2005
This is a story of a true love shared between a gal and a guy who loved each other with true feelings for each other...From the very Beginning, the girl's family objected strongly on her dating this guy. Saying that it has got to do with family background,& that the girl will have to suffer for the rest of her life if she were to be with him.Due to family's pressure, the couple quarrel very often. Though the girl love the guy deeply but she always ask him: "How deep is your love for me?"As the guy is not good with his words, this often cause the girl to be very upset. With that & the family's pressure, the girl often vent her anger on him. As for him, he only endure it in silence.After a couple of years, the guy finally graduated & decided to further his studies in overseas. Before leaving, he proposed to the girl: "I'm not very good with words. But all I know is that I love you. If you allow me, I will take care of you for the rest of my life. As for your family,I'll try my best to talk them round. Will you marry me?"The girl agreed, & with the guy's determination, the family finally gave in & agreed to let them get married. So before he leave, they got engaged.The girl went out to the working society, whereas the guy was overseas, continuing his studies. They sent their love through emails & phone calls. Though it's hard, but both never thought of giving up.One day, while the girl was on her way to work, she was knocked down by a car that lost control. When she woke up, she saw her parents beside her bed. She realised that she was badly injured. Seeing her mum crying, she wanted to comfort her. But she realized that all that could come out of her mouth was just a sigh. She has lost her voice......The doctors says that the impact on her brain has caused her to lose her voice. Listening to her parents' comfort, but with nothing coming out from her, she broke down.During the stay in hospital, besides silence cry,.....it's still just silence cry that companied her. Upon reaching home, everything seems to be the same. Except for the ringing tone of the phone. Which pierced into her heart everytime it rang. She does not wish to let the guy know. & not wanting to be a burden to him, she wrote a letter to him saying that she does not wish to wait any longer.With that, she sent the ring back to him. In return, the guy sent millions & millions of reply, and countless of phonecalls,.. all the girl could do, besides crying, is still crying....The parents decided to move away, hoping that she could eventually forget everything & be happy.With a new environment, the girl learn sign language & started a new life. Telling herself everyday that she must forget the guy. One day, her friend came & told her that he's back. She asked her friend not to let him know what happened to her. Since then, there wasn't anymore news of him.A year has passed & her friend came with an envelope, containing an invitation card for the guy's wedding. The girl was shattered. When she open the letter, she saw her name in it instead.When she was about to ask her friend what's going on, she saw the guy standing in front of her. He used sign language telling her "I've spent a year's time to learn sign language. Just to let you know that I've not forgotten our promise. Let me have the chance to be your voice. I Love You. With that, he slipped the ring back into her finger. The girl finally smiled.
iloveyou||23:10
haiz... sickening...
dunno why so moody this weekend
juz dun feel like doing anything
whenever i think of u i am so irritated
but how am i going to tell u..
haiz...
i dunno what i am thinking..
but i juz dun wan to to think abt it le..
i feel so... eiyer!!!
it's all ur fault!
how am i going to tell u how i feel?
how to tell u?
will u be able to understand?
i dun like this
i dun like to be unclear of what to do
hate to be in this dilemma...
it's pissing me off...
i hate what i am feeling now.
on noe understands me..
iloveyou||21:23
this is
freaking
irritating
annoying
pissing
i juz hate it!
iloveyou||10:09
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
失去是一种笃定
就算拥有的时间短暂
能过无怨无悔的爱一个人
那也是一种幸福。。。
iloveyou||15:29
above is a very nice phrase i found online...
phew~~
finally finish all my tests for this week...
surprisingly, my amaths test wasnt that bad. yeah. first time got so high. but this time was realli easy, think everyone got as high. lolx.. no wonder mres yeo says that if we fail we'll have to drop amaths. hee...
den for physics ytd... it was... SIGH!!!
i dunno wat was i writting... CRAPS mainly...
den for chem today.. think it's O.K... not as crappy as physics, but still crappy...
pray hard that i wont flunk them...
haiz.. still got to do chem and physics and chinese project today... den still got the stupid piano lesson which i quite hate now.. coz i totally have no time to play and practice with all these revision test coming up and so much revision to do... cant even manage my time to do revision for test and sec 3 stuff... where the hell do i get time to play piano. den syf coming... i have to memorise the score for the two CO songs too...
it was nice shopping with yo[u]...
it was nice seeing [s]han and [q]ing... lolx
"Oh~~ JOYCEEEEE.... OMG... never see you for so long alr...."
"lolx... very long meh?! hur?" hahas
anw... ilurveallof[u]
iloveyou||15:14
Friday, January 14, 2005
today is friday! finally... but so much homework to do!!! so MUCH!!!!!!! den tml still got CO!! haiz.. wad five day week lor... still got cca... den after that i got sph den at night got something on.. so my sat is pratical no time for studies!!
den on sunday, morning need to go settle some stuff... den only will be back at 2pm... so i only left a few pathetic hours on sunday afternoon to do homework and study for chem and physics tests! OMG!!! sobx sobx...
stress!!!!!!!
iloveyou||21:05
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
it's the beginning of the end.... and i dun like it.
i hate the stress i am feeling now. i'm not that stress actually, but the tests coming up and the teachers keep speaking of olevels and the classmates all talking abt what JC they wan to go next yr realli make me panic!!!
the stress is slowly mounting up on me! how? i hate it! and if i nv pass my amaths test on this fri, i may have to drop amaths! sigh... i hate it. hate it. hate it.... why so stress so soon, everyone?
iloveyou||19:34
Saturday, January 08, 2005
it's all light up now....
iloveyou||20:03
yeah..
there'll always be rainbow after the rain!~~ hee... problems solved.
thanks to someone who's always there for me, ytd... even late in the night... talk to me and give me advice. u know who u are. hee... thank you so much!!! this is the 2nd time i am actually so glad that u are there for me... once is during my piano exam, another is ytd night. thanks so much. dunno wad will happen without u. thanks you. lurve ya +muacks+
to you.
thanks for hearing me out
i feel so good now...
pouring everything that has been inside my heart.
hope u dun get angry.
didnt know u will actually listen and nv scold me...
thanks you..
thanks for telling me wad u expect from me
thanks for listening to my expectations too...
but do take time and think carefully and tell me more abt wad more do u expect
today is the best day since i get back from taiwan!
our superman is ill :(
get well soon...
den we can go visit ur "relatives" in zoo... lolx..
OOO.
lastly,
thanks for being so understanding 2dae.
it's raining in the noon...
but the rain has stopped now :)
iloveyou||19:48
another sad story//
we have to do things before it's too late//
read it if u have the time//
it's rather touching...
Chinie is a typical college girl who enjoys lifetothe fullest. She loves her boyfriend so muchandtexts him every now and then.JM is Chinie's boyfriend who works in a callcenterin Ortigas. He's always busy doing so manythings. He only manage to reply to Chinie'stextswhen he got off from work.One time JM receive a message from Chinie:"hi baby! how r u? miss u! call me when ucomehome k?! tc! lovu!"JM ignored the message because he alwaysreceive the same message whenever it istimeforhim to go home from work."baby,i miss u already! did u eat yet?! takecare when u go home! ill be w8ing 4 ur call.lovu!""baby,where r u?! u're not replying to my msg.well,ill b here w8ing for ur call! lovu!"JM reaches home and lay on his bed. Thelasttime he knew is tha he's reading Chinie's text.He was so tired he fall asleep and wasn'tabletoreturn Chinie's call. He can still hear hisphonebeeps but he's too tired to take a glimpse onthemessage.When he woke up the next day, he rememberthathe needs to call Chinie. He ignored themessagesand dialed Chinie's #. No one's answering inherhouse. He called up her cellphone and hewassurprised that her father answered the call. Inhisvoice you can feel his tears and hear his hearttearing apart."JM,why'd u call just now? Chinie's beenwaitingfor u!""Dad sorry.i was tired so i fell asleep.i called at home but noone answered.wherareunow?.""just wait for us at home"JM went to Chinie's house and much to hissurprised he saw a lot of people inside. Thehousewere so lighted but you can see the gloom onevery person you'll meet there. He wasgreetedbyChinie's mom on tears. She hug him tightand cried on his shoulders."Chinie was waiting for u. she didnt go outwithus coz she was waiting for ur call. she waskilled las night by some robbers who came inhere. she's gone JM, she's gone""Ma,Chinie texted me last night..how couldthathave happened?!"JM can't look who's inside the coffin. He can'tmove and it feels like his whole body isstuckedonthe chair his seating. He wanted to cry but itseems that something is blocking his tears tofalldown. He turn to his phone and read themessages of Chinie."baby, ill be w8ing for u to call. i wont go outwith dad anymore!""baby, im scared. i think theres som1downstairs. pls call me already!""baby, theyre here. wut f they kill me.pls call me. baby where r u? i need youhere now. please baby i can hear themcome...""baby.... i love you!..."He wanted to shout and cry so loud. It's truethatChinie is waiting for his call. Up to her lastbreathshe only thinks about him.He stare at Chinie inside the coffin. Suddenlytears starts flowing down his cheeks. He can'tsayanything. The only words he uttered..."My baby, i'm so sorry! I could have known, icouldhave fight for you! i'm really sorry! I love yousomuch!"
iloveyou||17:46
Thursday, January 06, 2005
ahead... there is nothing there...
iloveyou||19:45
so dead... the teachers are giving us so much stress now! (at the beginning of the yr only) sigh... so much homework undone... i tot i finished all my hw before i left for taiwan (except for chinese) but, when i come back i realised that there are additional homework post online and i haven done any! den now is realli rushing all my homework... sigh... den week 3 and 4 got so much test!!! so much!!! haiz....
dunno wad is wrong... the frequency is juz not right. changes, disappointment, no trust. wadever and wadever and stress from school work is making my days miserable, and i mean very miserable. dunno why always make some pple irritated and angry. my parents, my friend. i dunno wad's wrong with me... haiz... dun think abt it is the best way. dun talk too much is a way to avoid disagreements too. pple tell me to juz keep smiling... and my day will be better... ya... juz keep putting on a mask rite? juz keep smiling.
hate this.
the world dun need me.
i dun care.
fake
all fake.
iloveyou||19:35
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
hmm... today is the first day of school for me... coz i skipped school ytd. coz i was in taiwan! hee. but school is so boring today... erm... change new classroom. so GREEN!!! we are the only sce 4 class that got green class room. the rest i think got pink or yellow. forgot. hahas... but nvm lah, at least the classroom is not PINK! lolx. green is good for eyesight +trying to make myself feel good abt a GREEN classroom by saying that+ hee...
eh... so let me tell ur abt my taiwan trip! it was fun!!! so fun! so meaniful. eventhough i didnt get to shop in those streets in xi men ding. but it's still nice.
erm. i went there for this volunteer camp. coz i was in world wide social work organisation den i got the chance to go to the hospital there to out. hee. pple from all over the world was there. den i made lotsa friends from overseas! so fun. there were americian, australian, african, canadian, new zeland, malaysia, indonesian, philippines, los anges... aiya... i forgot the others. lolx.. hee...
i was asigned to the cancer department in the hospital (the final stage of the cancer dept.) . and i wittnessed the death of two person! +sobx...+ when i was first asigned there, i wasnt very happy, coz i was bored. the atmosphere there is very quite and unlively. there are not much stuff for me to do also. i was actually hoping to be like a little nurse and can help with giving injections or wadever that is quite pro and was thinking of learning new skills. but i didn't. so i was quite pissed.
den later i changed. i complaint that i got nothing to do all becoz the patients are mostly sleeping and there's nothing i can do while they are asleep. however, i learnt from a nurse later on that i should not blame them for sleeping and not providing me with jobs to do. coz all of them are at the final stage of their cancer. which means, no cure at all. and they are no longer doing any treatment but only taking painkillers to drag on with life. they are in great pain every second when they are awake. only in slumber, they wont feel pain. so it's actually a good thing that they are asleep.
they patients there are mostly middle age man and woman. but recently, a young man of only 25 yr's old was admitted into our dept. can u imagine it? he's only 25yrs old? this is the age where u life is going to start anew, where u are going face new things outside in this big world. but him? 25... and his life is ending. maybe because both of us is still young, therefore i tok to him alot and he seldom sleeps and always talks to me too. he dun sleep because he got some kind of spine cancer, he cant lie down and only can remain in the sitting position on the bed all the while.
he showed me his pictures. from those pictures i can see how much sufferings and pain he has endured. he was quite good looking and big built at first, got a cute and chubby gal friend. they look realli happy in those pictures. den the present is nothing but reduced to only skin and bones... so skinny! 30plus plus kilograms only! den can see his eyes are all sunken... can really trace the shape of his skull easily.
even though he's in great pain. i know he is, coz sometimes when he's toking to me, he's perspiring a lot and drops of perspire are lining up at his forehead. but he still tries his best to keep smiling and chatting with me. when i ask him if he's in pain, he told me this "it's nothing... it's even more painful when i, at this age, suppose do some contribution to the society, but i cant. i can only cause pain to my family and the love ones..." he also tells me he cant complaint that he's in pain, coz if he realli does, he family members will get worried. during that time... he saw the news, and it was about the massive underwater earthquake that generated Asia's devastating tsunami. he told me he realli hope he can go there to help, but he cant.
he's lively and positive spirit really impressed me. a person who is going to die can really stay so cheerful and still have the heart to help. if i were him, i'll cry my lungs out, i wouldnt care abt the world outside, coz i will think it's being unfair to me, it's taking me away when i am only 25! and all those pains are eating me up slowing, making me unable to die peacefully too....
i really learnt alot from him. besides that, the rest of the services in the hospital is nice too.
know another volunteer -- fiona. from aus. she's a strong gal too. she nv really tells anyone abt her life... but she said "joyce, i dunno why i tell u this much...but..." she told me her story. she appeared cool and cold outside. but that's the way she's trying to protect herself. he story is sad. i tot mine was sad, her's is now better too. she got no one to cry when her mama died... no one was there for her anymore when her best friend die and when her dreams are crushed. maybe because we are some what alike that's why u tell me this much is it? maybe u can sense our differences from the others.maybe that's why we are so close, even though we onli know each other for such short time. but no matter wad we have to stay positive, and do not do anything to harm urself. coz i have been through this, so i know, and i will always be there for u. maybe we are really fated to be good friends. i really miss you loads!!!
accept pple as they are, dare to dream. dun give up. i am saving money to go melbourne next yr! hee...so wait for me! i wan to see u, richard, paul, bill!!! so for all of u i will save money!!! hahas. dun do anything silly. wait for me!!! +sobx+
kenneth has finally grown up!! so touched! much better than before! thanks for being there. hahas (are u happy that i actually dedicate some precious space of my blog space to write for u?lolx)
+today dunno why, i juz feel sad. coz u forgotten abt today... nvm. forgive u.+
hey... this is realli a long entry. and i am lengthening it somemore. coz i realli like this...from our conexio.
this is for all my camp mates...
love is all you can ask for
it comes on softly, quitely,
unknowingly...
you never know how.
it comes but it never really goes.
it gives u the strenght to carry on,
when u feel the heart cant hold any longer,
think of the sweet moments, the touching memories.
a wave of relief, a ray of hope,
you'll believe that life can go on...
because love is in the heart of all,
so many pple are holding on for you.
they walked into your life in the most casual way
and yet...
they left footprints in your life,
in the most special way.
these angels, are the friends we've made
and over the years,
these footprints will never be erased.
because when we look back
at the footprints of our lives,
we will remember
friends are forever...
iloveyou||17:32